SOLOFLIGHT: Table for one

I am now in a water park down south surrounded by wakeboarding aficionados. But I am not here to do the same. So why am I here? Because I know nobody and no one knows me. Perfect place for me to be alone, think, crack my brain to write this and be spared from the, sometimes, very tiring need for social interaction. Tiring I say? Yes. Why? Because I think most people would agree that maintaining a sane status in this very interdependent earth is measured by constantly being accompanied by people wherever you maybe.

Personally, I have the need to be regularly separated from the world and suspend the endless search to find the right people to be with. A group of friends who share the same interest as you, a boyfriend or a girlfriend who can try new things with you, that one and only friend who thinks cool of something while everybody else finds it ridiculous, your family to celebrate special occasions with or workmates who you share the same stress levels over corporate slavery. But who else is fit for the job? Me. Coz I know what movies I really want to watch. I know the staples. I know which places I’m dying to go to and the list could go on.

 

 

I want to be the first person to try a new cuisine, celebrate my birthday with people I don’t know, in a foreign land. I love to drink with friends but what is it like to drink with certified beer bums like the Germans? I want to be the first customer in a newly opened place that people have been raving to go to. I want to go to all the music festivals there is and feel good music of each instrument in my veins, with my eyes closed. I dream of being an authority in movie and literature reviews. But not everybody may have the time to watch and read this stuff with me, right? And a whole lot more. I want to have a zero degree ice cold beer and smoke some cigarettes while proactively looking around for interesting people around and observe how they behave. It’s sounds berry berry bad ass to me, you know.

So here are 10 Things I highly recommend for me-times:

1.      Go shopping. Inclusive of window shopping so, no pressure.

2.      Watch a movie alone. Please choose an aisle seat. Please. Never sandwich yourself.

3.      Travel to a place you’ve never been. Choose wisely.

4.      Be in a place you know but no one knows. I won’t tell you mine.   

5.      Observe every people you see and appreciate the details of the place where you’re in. Including the very disturbing mole of the waiter in front of me.

6.      A fully charged camera and/or phone and prepare a playlist you never get tired of. *Armi Millare sings in the background*

7.      Bring a good book. Please not Fifty ShadesJ

8.      Research on how to commute to farther places. Self explanatory.

9.      Don’t wear something generic. Be adventurous, they’ll never see you again.

…But I should tell you upfront, this is not a serious case of an anti social behavior.

I just think that everyone should have the time to be attuned to their real self. To do things that only you planned and only you can make it happen. As I write this, I instantly ordered fish and chips as soon as the waitress gave me the menu. Looking back, all my solo trips to places where I want to write, this has been the usual food parallel to my busy typing fingers. So I guess, if I walk around and someone asks me what my favorite food is, I can respond very quickly. Isn’t that a time saver? J

Let’s deep dive. Two things I never understood for the longest time: Why are people afraid of being alone? and; Why are people judging those who spend time on their own? My answer to the first is the second. My answer to the second is the first plus a bag of insecurity. The unacknowledged fact of being envious of people who can stand to be by themselves forms the defense mechanism of picking on them instead. And this behavior forms the notion that the sole idea of it is outlandish and you should never be in that position.

 

My take? Liberate yourself from dependency. Most pain people feel is because of too much attachment. Eighty percent of the tears are because we were left alone and only 20% is because they did not choose to stay. The latter is one third each of bitterness, anger and pride.

People come and go.

People who choose to stay must be taken care of.

People who choose to leave must be set free.

At the end of the day, the last person you want to lose is yourself. Do not be derailed. Take a deep breath of positive vibes and go to tip #10:

Go to a restaurant, smile and say “Table for one, please”

 

*Credits to Google for the pictures :)*

UNTITLED.

So I was thinking about something random to write about.

My close friend whispers, “True love”.

I looked around. Stared at a couple across where we were seated. Then it dawned on me that she wanted me to write about true love. She wasn’t pointing on anyone inside this place.

 

Everyone looks for true love. Apparently for me in that moment, I literally looked around. I realized, it’s human nature.

It’s an impulse.

It makes people reactive.

Making a move without even thinking about it.

When they realize they’re wrong, they feel stupid…then move on.

----Swear they’ll never do it again.

 

Of course until someone whispers again and involuntarily make you turn your head once more……and scan the room.

It goes on.

Until you learn.

Until you get the point.

Until someone whispers: “True love” and you don’t look around anymore….

 

You just lean your head on a shoulder to your right…..and it feels right.

 

 

LOLA PROBLEMS.

 

A friend said, "Life sucks when you wake up and you realize you are now a grown up."

 

Your mom yells at you. Pulls you out of some layer of blankets and pillow cases.

Your dad endlessly honks the horn of your car.

 

it's 5:30am. why, God? Why?

 

You are forced to eat breakfast. Bathe under what seems to be zero degrees centigrade shower. Convince your mom that it's time for you to wear a real bra than a sando with boob shaped cups. And she nags right back at you with your unfixed bag which she reminded you the night before to do so. Then your dad honks the horn again. This time, in a more annoying pattern. So you rush to the car with your dripping wet hair trying to correct the unmatching buttons of your school uniform.

 

You reach school and poof! You left your project at home. A blue sliding folder with 20 pages of copy pasted information from Encarta. PROJECT in <insert subject here>. Submitted to: <insert teacher name here> Submitted by:<insert name here>. So you call your mom and tell her to have someone send it to you within the day. or at least an hour before that period. And she is furious....but sends it anyway.

 

Then the teacher woke up at the wrong side of the bed and asks you to get 1/4. You know what that means. SURPISE QUIZ! so that's fine coz you listened to the lecture anyway. but you don't have a paper! so you bully your seatmate in exchange of front row seats to your answers. Halfway through the test, your pen decides not to reach orgasm. It runs out. So again, you find someone to bully...in the most subtle way so your teacher won't think you're cheating or what have you.

 

The day goes on until the bell rings and you wait for your dad's car to swing in front of you. Bye friends! Then you’re back home and as a house rule, no TV on weekdays. Finish your homework, have dinner. But you still watch TV anyway. Or open your computer. Browse your book for yet another quiz tomorrow. Then monthly test. Then periodical exam. Then report card. Then recognition day…or none if you didn't make the cut. Summer meant being broke. then comes May and you jump on everything there is in National Bookstore. Worry which black shoes suits you now. Are you still gonna be in mary janes? Then you cover your books and voila! it's June again and the cycle goes on and you think school is never gonna end.

 

Here you are now. In a coffee shop with an iced coffee. Extra shot. Half pack of cigarettes. Your laptop. Staring blankly sometimes....thinking about life.career.love.money.bills.growing old.getting married.or not.then life again. Are you now what you said you'll be when you grow up?

 

When you grow up.

 

Growing up.

 

Grown up.

 

 

 

Your mom yells at you. Pulls you out of some layer of blankets and pillow cases.

……Because your alarm is so loud and has been snoozed for God knows how many times.

Your dad endlessly honks the horn of your car....coz it's broken. and he's trying to fix it all by himself.

 

it's 5:30am (or PM. whichever shift works for you.) why, God? Why?

 

You are forced to eat. You don't know if that's breakfast or probably your only meal for the rest of the busy day. Bathe under what seems to be zero degrees centigrade shower. Convince your mom that it's fine if your bra is seen right past through your shirt. And she nags right back at you with your unfixed bag which she reminded you the night before to do so. Then your dad honks the horn again. This time in a more annoying pattern...coz he failed to fix it by himself. So you rush through your gate with your dripping wet hair not caring about the unmatching buttons of your blouse. You'll do everything in a public transport including your eyeliner.

 

You reach the office and poof! You left your ID at home. A four- sided card with your new hire face and real name. And a microchip that would give you access to all the doors and turnstiles including your own computer. So you call your mom…just to check if you really left it at home and not just accidentally dropped it somewhere. She is furious....but she checks for it in your room anyway.

 

Then the big boss woke up at the wrong side of the bed. You know what that means. EMERGENCY MEETING! so that's fine coz you’ve finished reading your emails anyway. But you didn’t understood everything! so you bully your seatmate convincing him or her fill you in quickly in exchange of nothing but an extra cigarette. Halfway through the meeting, your pen decides not to reach orgasm. It runs out. So again, you find someone to bully...in the most subtle way so your boss won't think you're not listening or what have you.

 

The day goes on and there is no bell ringing, it’s past your shift and you’re still halfway through your deliverables. you wish for your dad's car to swing in front of you but instead you look at the cab stand from your window praying fervently there are still enough units by the time you line up. You sigh deeply as you finish your work…and force shutdown. Then you’re back home and as a result of a tiring day, no TV on weekdays. Freshen up, have dinner…or not. and still watch tv anyway. Or open your computer. Browse your facebook. Then twitter. Then your smartphone. Then your bills. Then due dates or disconnection notices...or none if you were lucky to find time to run errands and pay up. Every subscription meant being broke. then comes bonus season and you jump on everything there is in the mall. Or online. Then feel guilty and worry which career suits you now. Are you still gonna be an employee? venture on business? Quit and marry an old man with an overflowing bank account? Then you cover yourself with thick blanket and voila! it's the next day… again. .Snooze….Snooze. Mom yells… Dad honks horn….. and the cycle goes on and you think to yourself, how is this gonna end?

 

Here you are now. In a coffee shop with an iced coffee. Extra shot. Half pack of cigarettes. Your laptop. Staring blankly sometimes….and writing about this. About how times have changed and problems became complex as you aged and you wish you never did.

 

Are you now what you said you'll be when you grow up?

 

 

Turning the Page:A Break Up Guide for Dummies.

If you're going through a break up,you might wanna read this.

I was happily in love with a person who annoyed me three fourths of the time and who gets mad at me in the same frequency.Everyday is like a breakup story.And everyday is a makeup story.That's love there,eh?:)

As a breakup's favorite customer,I have these for you.there are no shortcuts,so don't attempt to skip any of them:

1.You need a stable bank account. You will definitely say yes to all the happenings you're being invited to.Moreso,you're likely to sponsor it,coz you need company during this times.Also,frappucinos will always be on your everyday menu...and they don't come cheap.

2.If you're on prepaid,load up monthly to avoid sim deactivation.If you're on postpaid,adjust your subscription.This is self explanatory.

3.Make sure to visit the doctor.Either your nicotine levels are up,or your liver is soon considering a regeneration stage just to survive.

4.Ok to surround yourself with other broken hearts,for comfort and belongingness...but have that objective conversation with people who are not.You need to take down notes for your next lover.

5.If you're not ok,don't pretend you are.If you're ex is posing a happy vibe,you need not to replicate.This is not a contest.Again,there are no shortcuts in moving on.

6.Unless the culprit was a third party,do not close your doors.If your ex comes back and want to fix things with you,as long as you are still inlove,consider it.Give it a try.If it was your fault,stretch yourself and win him or her back.You will look pathetic,but that's fine.No double standards if you want to be happy.Just do it.

7.Don't rush yourself to move on.The time you spend grieving is the amount of love you have for this person.If you speed up the process,you will be bitter later on coz you weren't able to process everything.It will all be subjective.And whatever was your contribution to the breakup,will just happen again on your next relationship.Got clue where it will head to?

8.When you tell your friends what happened,please narrate both sides.This way you can get a real and valuable 3rd person view.

9.Mingle.But make sure you double up in the getting to know stage.This is to avoid rebound plays.And no casual sex please.

10.Go to church alone.Pray.It helps to speak with someone who doesn't talk back but has the power to calm you and clear your mind.

Going through a painful thing such as a breakup has no shortcuts.

Just like a wound,
*Dressed with a gauze in it's early stage. *Left in open air once it closes.
*Should not be touched while healing.
*Peel off dead skin once dry.
*Recover and ignore the scar it leaves.
...then a new beginning--with no guarantees of not having another one.That's reality.

But on your next chance at happiness,be that first timer and experience the thrill all over again and be that veteran who has gone wiser enough to make it work this time around. :)

*I wrote this a year ago for a friend.Now I tweaked it a lil bit,coz it's now applicable...again.*

Happy Single blessedness,universe!:)

FLAT LINE

It beats silently……in equally choreographed intervals.

And my mind just goes blank. But I know it cannot be empty. I will shout.

My brain drowns in pure abyss… I stare at the ceiling looking for vague reasons to translate to a compound of alphabet familiar to me…I have to interpret them to myself and explain.

But none. It remained to be just a material under our main roof.

….and it keeps on beating. Every half second it does, gives me frozen shoulders and sharpens my molars from excessive gritting. My hands remain suspended a few centimeters above its skin as my fingers dance in the air coz I’ve got nothing. 

I let you in.

Then no, I changed my mind.

….and decide to keep it that way. Even if I close my eyes now and sleep, I will wake up to the reality that you are still there. Beating in the same way you were yesterday.

 Ellipsis. I feel timebound.But handcuffed....and i let it go. I suck a bag of air and realize the pressure.it's internal.

So why rush? The end of one story doesn’t mean the end of your beating.

…….of your blinking.

……as you wait for me to write a new one. Your patience is admirable.

I

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My dearest typing cursor.

What did you think it was? :)

BLACKOUT: Let me take you there.

For years, collapsing has not been a new experience to me. It’s either I am excessively tired and stressed by which I lack respectable hours of trip to dreamland, or have a massive migraine attack or I am way too hungry for the last 12 hours. In my recent case, it was caused by an acid peptic disease and low blood pressure possibly brought about by my diet plan of skipping dinner after gym. (Side comment: I hate noisy motorcycles strutting down their douche bag jumbo mufflers. However, I love to do my writing in our terrace…so say hello to my middle finger.) Anyway, the reason why I am writing about this is because I want to share what really happens during a blackout. Medically, it’s serious and should always be given immediate attention.

Makati Medical Center E.R. Admission_04182012.

But while everybody panics and is at their most hysterical state, I am actually bored.

It’s a dark world. Lucky if I hear any noise while I am “away”. I can’t move but it doesn’t scare me. If you have ever tried staring blankly and found pleasure in it, then you know what I am talking about. In other cases, it’s irritating….why? Because all I see is static. It’s like turning on the TV and staying tuned even if all the stations have already signed off. Stupid, isn’t it? Maybe because I have also “signed off”. (I wonder whose engineering license numbers were shown during credits.) What makes it worse is its lingering sound that makes you want to open your eyes and “be back” on earth.

YES. It looks exactly like this while you think I'm dying.

Sometimes, I can hear everything that the people around me are saying…. problem is, I can’t open my eyes. I can’t react. Moreover, I am actually wondering what I look like lying down, completely motionless. (Side comment: There goes that motorcycle again. I’d probably be writing about murder in the next few hours.)

Blackouts for me are semi out-of-body experiences that give you anonymity, weightlessness and recklessness. It’s a mirage with no dimensions, an empty space that requires no action even if you want to lift your pinky or open your mouth and say a word.

Or it may just probably be a unique way of my brain to be stubborn and do a hard shut down. My body parts would be the group of friends who agreed with it and did the same thing. I, on the other hand, is the boss who was boycotted by my staff who thought they were underpaid and overworked, then left me alone, unable to function.

A blackout is like a restart button.

But I certainly hope this is my last round of a factory setting reset.